I want to talk about something pretty personal, today. But I’m not happy. And this has nothing to do with my appearance, or how other people see me; well kind of, but also not, if that makes sense.
So I guess, I’m sitting here waiting to go to my first party and I question myself, “If someone comes up to you and asks ‘what you are’ what are you going to say? Saying, ‘Well, it’s complicated but I’m.. me’ Won’t really fit the bill with people around *here*.” So I Have to figure it out, and it’s really stressing me out.
First, I know my identity was going to be outside of the binary range. I know I’m not exclusive with my identity, and I know that I’m more ‘round’ than that, because of how I’m inclined to feel about myself.
Then I thought around ‘gender-fluid’ because I had seen it around and it seemed to sort of fit how I felt about myself. But it’s kind of like trying to smash a slightly distorted puzzle piece into a space that didn’t *quite* fit. But it was okay, for that point in time. More trouble came as I was dressing as I wanted to, and I cut my hair off and all and I found it frustrating (In fact, I’m rolling my eyes right now), that my mom would correct people who ‘mistook’ me for a male, when I told her it was completely fine and that I didn’t mind. I.. Don’t really think that I’m comfortable with explaining to her how I feel, though. I don’t trust her.
Then I looked at it, because I had thought about it, I’ve been seeing a lot of the identifying stuff on tumblr and it just got me thinking, after I had seen and read a little more about the term ‘agender’. And then I question myself yet again, “Am I agender? Does that fit me better?” I don’t know. My gender fluctuates physically and mentally depending on the day, and sometimes I feel like nothing. So I looked it up: “Am I agender or gender fluid?” and *THEN*
I found the term ‘neutrois’. With all of these gender identities out there I just, I don’t know what to do. And this is what I wanted to put out there. I am an extremely confused teenager who probably needs more sleep and relax more but this is something that I think might be important. I don’t know.
I’m looking at binders; Homemade solutions and factory made options, and just trying to look natural and neutral. That’s how I like myself. As me. I don’t need any attachments but I also want people to understand me, though I know they won’t. Please give me some feedback on.. whatever. On suggestions, on comments, personal experiences, I’ll read them all.
If you read this far, I’d like to thank you.
~Waffles (Created 5/26/2015 at 5:54 pm)